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Weary of Worry

Q: I am taking this opportunity to ask for guidance in the trust that your vision is clearer than my own.

I am tired of hurting, yet cannot let go of my "why did this happen" attitude toward a man who walked into my life 27 years ago. We created great magic and the related tragedies that accompany those 'forbidden' relationships. Eventually, despite our mutual belief in doing the right thing, he chose me, and I felt the fates had blessed us with this delayed union. (This was before I knew about ACIM.) The first decade of marriage was fairly enviable and luxurious. As life does, we had our shares of challenges and that was when I discovered that this magical man was human - and not nearly as interested in being spiritual as I was becoming.

We then had financial distresses of a high magnitude, I became fearful of loss and supply, but I missed more the intimacy that we had shared earlier, and that he was not interested in "me" as much as he was his image in "the world" especially with other women - hardly a surprise because of our meeting.

I experienced depression, an unwelcome situation for ˜his wife and his image. After a complete financial reversal, we left behind life as we knew it, but with the inclusion of a woman who had served
as our housekeeper but who held no further need in our lives, as I would not be working anytime soon in our new locale. Eager for a fresh start, I spoke my truth that she had no reason to be going with us, but he replied, I've already given her my word, which pretty well summed up my place in line for his attention.

Within a couple of years, and the feeling that we had lost a lot of our original magic, depression again found me. I am embarrassed to say that I found the Internet to be a diversion. The good part of it is that I discovered the power of the written word and my ability to combine them to move other people's emotions. My connections to other writers became an issue. I saw the Internet as a virtual storyline, not a reality. He became completely distressed and after some power struggles, eventually left me - swaying our teens to remain with him for advantageous financial reasons.

It was not long before the woman he left me for, left him. He found another, who has a tremendous hold over him, and for a time our kids and her kids became the new Brady Bunch. However, eventually, as one of her kids warned my daughter, My mother will take away your father. She always does that when she finds a new man. He has not been involved with "the kids" who are now each considered adult, in the way I thought he would have, as a father. She did maneuver him into a yearlong road trip and settling in entirely new parts of the country, where they are not invited to visit.

How do I silently convey to them, (and to me) that I am not the future source of their supply - he abandoned them without so much as financial help for college, or other issues he had previously provided - when we were all together, "because now he has this new family to care for" - and her kids are older by far than ours. And they have never lived as well as they currently do.

It is not lost on me to be careful what you ask for. Or that the changes I asked for, to be more loyal to me, not so flirtatious with other women, have now been totally squelched by this latest wife. All the refinements I asked for, she DEMANDED and got at the expense of my kids having a lifestyle that they have lost.

I realize this entire piece is filled with Illusions of "you're not who I thought you were" but the kids as young adults have suffered and continue to ...even though my belief system says they have their
own lessons to experience.

How can I be at peace with all of this and move on? What changes do I need to make within to let this all be a part of who I have been, and not the sense of failure and loss that it still triggers for me? It has been 8 years and it feels like yesterday.

My apologies if this is rambling. It is the circle of my current thinking, and I cannot detach enough from it to present the question in a more succinct manner.


Weary of Worry.

A: Beloved One

Thanks for sharing all that is on your heart. At the core of your e-mail is the topic of "responsibility" and "roles." Upset emotions are always the result of ego interpretations, and these misperceptions always result when somebody has not fulfilled the roles and expectations the ego set. It is as if a picture of happiness was envisioned and the turns in the script do not match the pre-determined picture. Our responsibility is to experience the Peace of God by releasing the expectations that cover over this Peace. When you want anything from anybody you will not See the Light of Truth beyond the veil of perception. The ego set up the roles to perpetuate feelings of hurt and pain and anger and guilt, for roles comprise the self-concept that was made to take the place of God's Creation. Roles are ego ideals, and when the ideals fall short of the happiness they promise, more ego ideals are offered as replacements.

Forgiveness is the only role that offers a peaceful perception of the world. And this role is all-inclusive, for it contains no rejection or judgment against anything or anyone. The ego's roles are temporary for they shift and change and offer no stability. Offer your children and their father and the woman and her children to the Holy Spirit in a prayer that asks for God's Care in place of the ego's worry. Humbly realize that God's Plan would never have things be different than they are, for truly all things work together for good. One's state of mind is a choice, and once this is faintly grasped the Door Which leads beyond the ego is experienced as opening instead of sealed shut. Our happiness is never found in relationships based in form, yet the Purpose of the Holy Spirit yields the experience of a Happiness that is within and never changes.

The past associations of the ego seem to conflict as long as they are pulled forth to cover the Innocence of the Present. The forms which error seems to take but conceal a lump of guilt that remains unforgiven in awareness. This addiction to past thoughts is the addiction to attack thoughts, yet if they are not protected or justified they merely disappear in the dawning of the Holy Spirit's Light. By your willingness to expose these thoughts you have taken a huge step inward toward sanity and inner peace. Deep down you desire a healed perception, completely free of judgment. Our brothers and sisters are alike in our shared Purpose, Which beholds the sameness and overlooks the perception of differences.

As perception stabilizes through a single Purpose, expectations vanish. Without expectations from the past all things are equally acceptable. Wish everyone well and feel peace showering your heart. Roles and expectations were bargains that could never be kept, yet forgiveness offers an alternative that is so expansive that it is an inevitable choice to accept what the Holy Spirit has ALREADY accomplished. Forgiveness releases dreams of judgment and leaves only a blessing where a grievance once was held. Focus on the gratitude and appreciation that remains in your heart for all the loving moments that you shared with this man. Water the seeds of gratitude and your awareness of Love will begin to open.

Now is the opportunity to regain control over the direction of your thinking. The Holy Spirit Asks only for a little willingness to align with God and give what you would truly receive. Offer peace to receive it, pardon and know that you are already pardoned, forgive and know that our Spirit is forever Innocent. Whenever the ego tempts you to feel hurt and pain remember: "Love makes no comparison." The consistent experience of Innocence depends on the willingness to practice this lesson and make no exceptions. One man is all men. One woman is all women. One child is all children. When what you desire for one is what you desire for all, your mind rests in the Peace of God. Think not that God's Will can be broken into "good conditions" and "bad conditions," for the Light shines with radiance upon the tapestry of images the ego made in hate.

You have a holy function to be happy and thus free from all depression. Your children and their father and this woman and her children are included in this function. The Holy Spirit would have no delay in our Joyous Homecoming, and your acceptance of Atonement is essential. Bless this man, your children, this woman, her children, and everyone - and feel the blessing rest upon your mind. Look not back and feel the peace of this very Instant. I am joined with you and the acceptance of Atonement is the desire to remember Original Innocence. In the Big Picture Atonement is our only responsibility, and the Holy Spirit will handle all the smaller "responsibilities" the ego had set up with Integrity and Sureness. All the seeming small "steps" of forgiveness are encompassed in the final "step" of accepting the Atonement or Correction for the belief in separation. Be willing to move in the direction of healing, and trust that everything you need will be Given. I am with You all the way Beloved Child of God.

Love Always.

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