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Nothing Happening and Not Seeing
Q: I appear to be in a situation that is calling for forgiveness, but despite all of the reading of ACIM and all of the meditating and lesson applications, nothing seems to bring peace to this situation. I am very much aware of two sides to my mind. One side wants very much to forgive, but another part of me wants very much to 'punish' the perceived wrongdoer (ie project the anger).
My means of punishment BTW is attempting to blatantly 'ignore' and make the other person aware in a roundabout way that I am pissed off with them. Intellectually, I can see that ultimately this other person has nothing to do with my problem, but the ego wants to make this person know that they have hurt me (make sin real).
I have asked the holy spirit for miracles, and soon after doing so this person will attempt to speak to me in an obvious effort to open up some communication again, and sometimes I have reacted positively, and often times I have thought that the problem has finally gone and I have forgiven. The thing is, my need to ignore this person ALWAYS comes back because the ego's goals for a special relationship have not been met, the miracle wasn’t enough, and so the cycle continues, but usually slightly worse in that I will be even more obvious in my attempt to ignore and psychologically hurt this person. Not only that, but now even my friends are feeling the brunt of this attack, if I see that they are getting along well with this other person (which is what I want!).
I cannot seem to just forgive (i.e. do nothing: merely look, wait and judge not) because when I do I get a strong feeling of loss, that any opportunity (i.e. special relationship which I feel cannot have come from anyone else) that might have existed with this person has gone forever, and that scares me (I cant see past the idea that my happiness can only come from this person). I also really fear that this person will just finally move on and I will no longer have contact with them and closure will be impossible (so I cannot just let this person go without feeling intense loss).
One part of me wants closure, one part wants specific form outcome.
Saying things like "these thoughts about 'person x' do not mean anything", and saying "God is the love in which I forgive 'person x'" or "...myself" over and over just hasn't worked (because they are just words to me because the experience that they are pointing towards just isn’t there), and I'm really becoming aware that deep down, I DONT WANT TO FORGIVE THIS PERSON, I WANT TO HATE THEM. I feel like I am in an impossible situation where I cannot see any outcome that will satisfy me COMPLETELY and that’s the scariest thing of all, because I can see only despair. Yet despite my desire for special relationship I still want enlightenment, I want to understand completely, to see the truth.
I am tired of meditating. I am tired of repeating the lessons because
they don’t work: NOTHING HAPPENS. I'm still left with problems,
I am still left with complete non-understanding, and I am no closer
to enlightenment. No matter how long I sit in meditation, nothing happens.
I can sit there and attempt to watch my thoughts and not hang on to
them, and I can repeat a particular lessons words in my mind briefly
and then attempt to put aside all concepts ideas and thoughts, but I
have never experienced any "holy instant" or anything which
would make me certain that the course's promises aren’t just a
load of ****. Maybe I feel bodily peaceful and somewhat mindfully relaxed
for a short while, but as always, it doesn’t last, and according
to the course what doesn’t last isn't real, and so I'm just deluding
myself, therefore what good are the lessons themselves.
It appears to be a catch 22 situation, I need an experience which will show me that there is something other than the 'happiness' of this world and thus its giving up is no loss, yet I can’t experience this happiness until I'm willing to lay aside the 'happiness' of this world, but I’m still not convinced that loss isn’t real.
These lessons are just not helping me to see the TRUTH, to see the FALSE as being FALSE and nothing. But even then, I don’t want just an experience that will go away again. I don’t want the delay any more, I don’t want the wait. My whole life is so obviously a delay now. I do external form activities only because there is nothing else to do. I have form 'wants' because I don’t have the experience of something beyond it. I could meditate, which I still do, but like I said, nothing happens, it’s just boring. I want to get to that 'master switch' you talk about, but I just don’t SEE it, no matter how many times I read things like your mind overhaul text and attempt to apply it.
Decisions used to be difficult for me, but now they have become so much more difficult. The procrastination is almost unbearable. I get caught between ego goals, and cannot give over decisions to the holy spirit because I can’t trust that it’s actually the Holy Spirit directing me. This idea that I can use peace of mind as my barometer is also no help to me, because one day I can feel happy about the decision and the next day I can feel very fearful about it and want to change it (even in simple decisions like social outings etc). It makes sense that decisions between forms are merely hiding the one decision that I need to make, and I very much want to make it, but when I think I’ve made it ("heaven is the decision I must make, I make it now and will not change my mind, because it is the only thing I want" nothing really happens and situations still arise where I am called on to choose between form, and so the part of me that still feels stuck in time and form is left with having to make a decision between form and not knowing which way to decide.
I’m just not SEEING the one decision I need to make, I’m not SEEING the 'heaven option', not seeing that choosing for form and the world is actually a choice for nothing, and no amount of reading, studying or meditating is helping in that seeing. If it was the case that by choosing heaven I see that there can be no choices made within form at all, then that would mean that if a 'person' within this dream world came up to me and asked me if I wanted to go to a social gathering for example, then I just cannot answer. This body that I perceive myself to be in would have to stare silently at them, because any answer is meaningless. I can see intellectually that the above scenario still shows an underlying belief that the world is real and that there are separate forms within that world and there are choices possible so lets talk about releasing beliefs, and the one 'master belief' that spawns them, because nothing is working there either.
It’s like what I said earlier, that I can say something in my
mind like "God did not create 'loss' and so it is not real",
yet they are just words and the feeling and fear of loss keeps coming
back. I can think that I give over the belief in sickness to the Holy
Spirit, yet the sickness remains. Not only that, there are so many beliefs
that are apparent that it would take forever to release them all unless
you take it back to the master belief, and it is easy to follow through
reasoning that shows that every belief leads back to the one belief
in separation, but saying to myself "god did not create separation
and so it is not real" still leaves me exactly where I am. So it
is obvious then that I haven’t really done anything, which begs
the question how the **** am I supposed to release beliefs at all?
If I become aware of a form of sickness and thus a belief that sickness is possible, suppose I say "God did not create sickness and so it is not real" and thus give it over to the holy spirit, do I then just ACT as if it isn’t there? Isn’t that just hiding/ignoring it. I can’t resist it, cause that would give it power, but what to do? I can’t overlook it because I have already seen it.
That’s all I feel like writing at the moment. I trust that you will make sense of the above. I know that you've answered all of this sort of stuff before but it just isn't getting through and I needed to write.
A: Beloved One
Thanks for writing. I am grateful that you could write out everything that is going on in your mind. And I know it is helpful to get in touch with the full extent of the ego's hatred before one can let it go.
It is very necessary to allow these feelings to arise in awareness before you will be willing to let the hatred go forever. The hatred still seems specific and still has a target in the world, yet as the deepening continues it will seem more and more nonspecific.
The ego's anger is actually at God for not granting reality to the time-space cosmos, but this hatred of God is kept out of awareness. The belief in competition with God mentioned in lesson #13 is usually not allowed into awareness, for it is too threatening to keep in awareness. So the ego uses the unreturned "love" of the special relationship to attempt to justify the anger until the deeper hatred at God and fear of God is exposed. But in looking deeper the "original error" is uncovered and the ineffectiveness of the special relationship becomes acute in awareness.
Give your mind the permission to let the seeming beast rear its head. You will go past these feelings and be free of them. Simply do not attempt to protect or project them, and they will dissolve.
I am joined with you in going through the darkness to the Light within. We cannot fail.
I love You always Beloved.
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