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The Frustration of Pretending to be Human
Q: I am always glad to get the letters you have answered to others. I file them for reference and study. I have another question if you should be so kind to answer.
In 1976 I had an experience that lasted over several months wherein nothing seemed real, and I was asking "what is real". It seemed to begin when I read a book an acquaintance gave me, a story about a **, wherein he said something like, "Even though you carry around a cart load of books, unless you know Him, you have no knowledge". I believe he was talking to various religious groups indigenous to his homeland. Around that time, a voice within me seemed to tell me several things, and my life has never been the same.
The first message I heard was, "If you are busy pretending you are something you are not, you will never know who you really are". I kept asking what was real, looking around and saying, "Is this real, is this real". And the voice within me would say no, that it was an illusion, here today, gone tomorrow, now you see it now you don't. Up to this point I had no spiritual knowledge except through protestant churches, Presbyterian, Baptist, Christian.
One day after work I was sitting on my bed. (I had come to look forward
to rushing home from work, getting situated on my bed and getting quiet,
as it was there it seemed, I found a presence of peace, as if a light
would be around me and my questions would be answered. At that time,
I thought the presence was in my bedroom.) On this particular occasion,
after being told that this, then that, was not real, I asked vehemently,
"Then, What Is Real". The room seemed to fill with light.
The light seemed to be coming from the inside of me. The moment was
full of peace and a sense of absoluteness, and it said, "I am He
and there is no other." Well, somewhere on the inside of me, that
resonated. I called the entity
For the next couple of months it seemed to be the only thing that seemed real to me, and I couldn't seem to keep from telling everyone, "We are One. There is no other", as it resounded on the inside of me, even though I couldn't seem to explain it beyond that. That particular occasion set me on a spiritual journey searching through all religions, trying to find that surety that I had experienced. The "spirit" continued talking to me throughout this journey. It was not until I began studying ACIM that I started getting the same message as that initial message, and it hearkened me back to that occurrence, which I had pretty much chalked up to my being looney and desperate to feel special, so I had concocted it myself.
Before that happened, I could not find my niche in this world, but since that happened, I have had absolutely no interest in anything except searching for what I called the "truth". Nothing else seemed or seems to have purpose, and it is so hard for me to get out of the vicious circle of thinking I should get busy with this or that, dreading it, feeling guilty for my feelings etc. I could make myself do the things I had to do, such as raising my family, keeping my home orderly and clean, but I have such a difficult time in wanting to do anything.
I told you about my shop before previously. The shop is just a refuge in which I can be alone to meditate, study, listen to ACIM tapes, music etc. However, when I have an arrangement to create for someone, I put it off to the last minute, seemingly dreading it. Once I get started, I peacefully, neither enjoy it or otherwise. I just do it, as if I am not doing it, and I am always surprised that it turns out to be more wonderful than the customer dreamed, because, when I look at it, I seem to have no judgment of it at all. All I seem to know is that it is finished and I can do no more. I found some fabric in my sewing box the other day, and thought to make my granddaughter a dress out of it. I purchased the pattern and notions, and now have no desire to do it, and am absolutely having to make myself do it. It seems to have no purpose. When I get like that, I seem to be paralyzed about everything, even studying the course and workbook. When I think of the things that are waiting for me to do, I cannot seem to let go of thinking I ought to do them, I get confused about which I should do first. When I let go of thinking about them at all, asking the Holy Spirit to give me function, I find it hard to be at peace not doing until then. Then I just get tired, and seem to want to sleep. I know that "shoulds" and "ought to's", have echoed in my head all my life, but I haven't seemed to be able to extricate myself from them. All truly does seem to be vanity, to serve no purpose. Everything I would do, just seems to serve this illusion, and I have wanted to escape it ever since that experience in 1976. Help! This is beyond explaining. What do I forgive to find release? How do I return to peace?
A: Beloved One
Thanks for pouring out your stream of thoughts and for your willingness to forgive and Awaken. It is wonderful! You have heard the Voice for God reminding you of the illusory nature of the world. With A Course In Miracles you have a tool to train your mind to hear ONLY the Holy Spirit's Voice and release the ego's voice of doubt forever. In using and practicing the lessons of ACIM you will be forgiving the belief in separation, the belief in time-space, the belief in a linear sequence of separate events. You will experience many miracles which will collapse time and leave your mind at peace. You will grasp and experience the Holy Spirit's Purpose, which is the replacement for the ego's "purpose" of death, guilt, fear, and separation.
You first glimpse the new Purpose of forgiveness, of seeing the illusory nature of the cosmos, yet until the ego's "purpose" is completely unlearned or undone you will seem to wander. It can seem during this wandering that the world will have no purpose at all. This is the approach to the point in mind in which you see that the roadways of the world lead nowhere. As the mind approaches this point everything will seem pointless, yet beyond the point of utter meaninglessness is the Light of the Holy Spirit. As you join with this Light the Light will shine through you and radiate to everything and everyone. The Holy Spirit shines through you, shining away every scrap of darkness, and this experience is one of effortless Ease. There is no struggle or conflict in being shone through. It is as though you are transparent, for there are no personal goals or agendas to intrude.
The Holy Spirit Guides surely. In every seeming situation the judgment of the Holy Spirit directs. This is judgment through you rather than by you, and under the Holy Spirit's judgment there is never any loss to anyone. In the Holy Spirit's Purpose there are never any commands or demands, only suggestions and instructions and reminders. You can seem to resist the Holy Spirit's Call, yet delay is always temporary and Atonement or Correction is inevitable. That is why this is a required course. Forgiveness is unavoidable, and though there seem to be many forms and pathways for coming to forgiveness, in content they are all the same. Forgiveness simply sees the false as false, and quietly rests in peace.
The voice of "shoulds" and "ought to's" is the ego. These guilt-ridden expectations arise from a false sense of self, a self-concept that God did not create. This concept was make-believe, for it sought to replace the Self God created in Eternal Perfection. All frustration arises in consciousness from pretending to be human, and all human roles are constructs that perpetuate this pretense of identity. In the Present, free from the distortions of the past, You are free in Spirit as God created You.
Forgiveness offers you an expansive self-concept in which everyone and everything is included, a Perspective that leads to Waking from the dream and remembering Christ and God. You will discover that Christ is Reality and not a concept at all. Make believe self-concepts need defense only because they are shaky, unstable, and unreal. Spirit is always defenseless for in truth there is nothing real that can be threatened and nothing unreal that exists. Herein lies the Peace of God.
Forgiveness is giving up nothing to accept Everything. Mind is unified, and peace and wholeness go together. You have asked: "What do I forgive to find release? How do I return to peace?"
To forgive the belief in time-space is to say to God: "Show me Eternity!" To forgive the belief in separation is to say to God: "Show me the Union of Eternity." The Holy Spirit will convince you that time is unreal and Eternity is real if you will let Him. Nothing is asked of you in truth, for You are already and forever Perfect, Whole, and Complete as God created You. Forgiveness opens the way to remember this Truth.
Love & Blessings.
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